Hi:
I have been reading Jeremy Myers book entitled, “Why You Have Not Committed The Unforgivable Sin”. This is a topic that is near to my heart as I still struggle with an incident that happened to me back in 1997. I am a believer in Christ but in retrospect I believe I have been a false professor. I still am haunted by the fact that I have committed the sin for which there is no forgiveness. It all started many years ago. I had been engaged to my wife for 6 years when I began attending a bible believing fundamentalist church in 1991. I came to what I though was saving faith in Jesus Christ and my wife and I were married in February of that year. Unfortunately, I believe I was deceived as to my spiritual condition and to this day believe I was not what I professed to be. After my marriage I continued to attend this church which was a very fundamental KJV only bible believing church. They routinely preached against Christmas, Easter, TV, etc. Moreover, they often preached against the Catholic Church which was my wife’s nominal faith practice. My wife Marie would occasionally attend with me but she never would agree with the tenants to which this church adhered and it began to come between us rather than uniting us. We were not on the same page and I continued to pray but never received the answer to prayer that I hoped for which was that Marie and I could attend worship and grow together.
Things went on like this for the next couple of years until my son was born in 1994. It was with the birth of my son that things began to turn from bad to worse. No matter how much I prayed. No matter how much I wanted Marie to come to church, I began to digress into what I now believe was self righteous hypocrisy. I was self deceived into thinking I was on the right path. What was really happening was that I began to resent my wife for not agreeing with me that this church held the answers for us and that it was imperative that we “get right” with God with regard to how our children were to be raised. I began to become more and more self-righteous about what had become a contentious issue for us. I was walking in the flesh and could not see that I really perhaps was not saved although I thought I was at the time. I began to ruminate about this until one evening in September 1997, I gave my wife an ultimatum. I twisted scripture and used 1 Corinthians 7:15 to try and make my wife “come to the faith”. This passage of scripture deals with the case of unequally yoked people and that if the unbelieving spouse should depart then the believer should let them depart. The believer is not under bondage in such instances. I told Marie that she needed to make a choice. I put it as an ultimatum to her and when she was faced with the ultimatum she decided she would choose to depart. Foolishly, I got in her face and cursed her directly after having thrown the bible down in frustration. I immediately felt something within me snap as if my spirit had been ripped from me. I was so wicked that I couldn’t see what a mockery I had made of God’s holy word especially with regard to someone I had professed to love.
The next day at work I had a terrifying experience while sitting with some coworkers around a table at a meeting. I was sitting down and began tapping my fingers nervously while waiting to get the meeting underway when for some reason I looked into the eye of a coworker sitting across from me. As soon as our eyes met, an ectoplasm like beam came out of the gentleman’s eye and went directly into my eye. I believe now that at that moment I became possessed by a demonic spirit. I had, in fact, committed the unpardonable sin. Now I know that many would say that I can still have hope but I know that since that time my life has spiraled down into unrelenting anguish and suffering. I began to suffer excruciating depression with insomnia that will not remit. Again, I began to deceive myself into then thinking that I had the worldly label of Major Depressive Disorder for which I should be prescribed medication. I have since that time gone through an unrelenting series of hospitalizations having been on every medication known to psychiatry all to no avail. I still have terrible symptoms and my testimony is shattered. I have lost everything: my wife and family, my career, my hope for the future, everything. My eyes are just recently becoming more aware of something I have feared all along and that is I am not saved nor was I ever saved. Moreover, and most importantly of all I fear that there is no hope that I will ever be saved. I know that the Lord is long-suffering not willing that any should perish but once one has been given over to satan and to a reprobate mind the course of events begin to achieve unrelenting momentum to the bowels of hell. How could I have been so foolish? How could I not have seen? The reason is self deception. Instead of trusting Jesus I believed I had found something special in the particular church that I had been attending. Unfortunately, despite being given ample warning with numerous sermons and much study, I became stiff-necked. I was spiritually blind to my state of being a lost sinner. I had repented of some of my sinful behaviors, but I had not repented of all of my sins and I continued I feel to make a mockery of God’s salvation.
The unpardonable sin is I feel not easy to commit and God gives a person ample time to repent of sin in their life, but there comes a point when a person persists in unrelenting sin that God loses patience with the sinner and will eventually turn the person over to a reprobate mind. How can a person find comfort when God himself gives up trying to show a person their need for Jesus? The bible says that there is no name under heaven by which we must be saved. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life and no man comes unto the father but by him. I don’t know if I could have done anything different to avoid this horrible fate or if I was predestined to hell. All I know is that I have the aura of a fearful unbelieving man who has gone on in sin and debaucherous proclivity and who has wrested the scriptures to his own destruction. This has yet to play out. I don’t presume to have the mind of God and I certainly can’t trust my own inclinations with regard to spiritual matters given my history. However, I do know that the future looks hauntingly bleak. I can run (which I am doing everyday) but I cannot hide. I look into the future and see a decline into the terror of a death without Christ. I see advancing age coming forth without the support of a career, a life of hard work, or the comfort of a solid family. I rejected the family that God gave me when I persisted in the sin of presumption that no matter what they would always be there. We can’t ever take something as precious as a family or the salvation that comes through Jesus Christ for granted because as I have demonstrated in my life they can be lost.
Ken Johnson